What do you do when your child chooses to live with their other parent? I shared my story this week at The Village.
This article will print in the Press Democrat on Friday, January 11.
My 14-year-old daughter, DQ, is moving out.
It’s weird, I never thought I’d type these words before she turned 18. But here I am, standing by as she packs up her bags and prepares to leave the nest. My nest. The one I have padded with protection and comfort since the day she was born, through a messy divorce, during financially tight times, and in her tumultuous teen years. She is flying the coop with my assistance when I drive her a full three hours away to live with her father.
And this might just be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
For 14 years, I have been her primary caregiver, the one who is responsible for every aspect of her life. I am the one who has filled out her school forms, checked her homework (till her homework got too smart for me), packed her lunches, and made her doctor’s appointments. I was the parent she told about her first love, and the parent who picked up the pieces when her heart was broken a few weeks later. I am her chauffeur, her personal chef, her nurse, her cheerleader, her everything she needed me to be so she can be a happy kid. I’ve gone to every one of her soccer games. I volunteer at the camp she attends every year. And I have done all this on my own. So to hand over the reins to her dad, allowing her to move three hours away and out of my realm of parenting, was way beyond my comfort level.
My first impulse was to say no, absolutely not. But she asked me to at least think about it. So I agreed to mull it over before I ultimately said no.
I was at war with what was the right thing to do in this situation. Of her two parents, I had proven to be the more responsible. Our two children, DQ and Taz, live with me full time, and I have fit my whole entire life within their schedule and comfort. Their father, who moved several counties away a few years ago, has never had the privilege of moving heaven and earth to make it to a parent-teacher conference at the same time as a mandatory meeting at work. I’ve been the parent while he’s been the one they visit occasionally. I’ve accepted that this is what works for raising the kids, and hold no bitterness over this. It’s just the way it is. But to give up my place as my daughter’s primary parent was rocking a boat I didn’t want rocked.
During the time when I was to be thinking this over (even though my mind was still set on NO), DQ took the time to patiently discuss all the perks of her living with her father. She talked about her new baby brother over there, how she would get a chance to know him and help take care of him. She took me on a virtual tour of her new town through Google Maps, pointing the cursor towards all of her favorite hangouts a few blocks from her home. She told me about the friends she had there, helping me to get to know them though her description. She handled the whole situation like she was the adult and I was the child. She was patient and kind, helping me with a hard transition. I was stubborn and tearful, refusing to budge.
Then a funny thing happened – my eyes were suddenly opened.
It didn’t happen on my own, but through a lot of help. I talked with my husband at great lengths about the whole decision. I discussed it with a counselor. And eventually, I called my ex-husband himself and talked about the possibility of our daughter moving in with him. After much deliberation and thought, I realized I had much less reasons to say no, and many more reasons to say yes.
So I let her go.
I know in my heart that I’ve made the best decision I could for her. DQ gets a chance to get to know her other side of her family, the part that makes up the other half of her. I, in turn, get to feel what it’s like on the other side of the coin – the one where I merely get to visit her instead of seeing her every single day. This still feels like a bad dream. I keep waiting for DQ to tell me she’s changed her mind. Of course, she hasn’t and likely won’t.
But I’ve realized something. Loving a child isn’t just about holding on to them and protecting them. It isn’t just about being there every step of the way.
Sometimes love is knowing when to let go.
‘Letting our children go’ is a lifelong process for parents, one that we wrestle with again and again, and each parent has to wrestle with it in his or her own way. – Mister Rogers
Rnmom
It’s gotta be tough. I grew up with a dad whom I saw only on Sundays. When I asked to move in with him, he said “No way.” I would be grateful for a father who wanted to engage in his teen daughter’s life. Dads are so important. Breathe. Cry. You’re doing a good thing, mom.
January 8th, 2013 1:04 pm
Brad
I applaud ( standing ovation ) your courage. I do not know that I could have made the same choice. It sounds like you utilized your resources and came to a very good decision for your daughter.
January 8th, 2013 2:10 pm
The Bat
It’s a tough call, but you’ve obviously raised a daughter who’s destined to become a strong, independent woman. You’re doing the right thing. Way to go
January 9th, 2013 7:49 am
Michael L. Kamrath
Good morning Crissi,
What an excellent heartfelt piece of writing. It was the first thing I read this morning, and it definitely has my “morning routine” turned upside down.
We have a 14-year-old-daughter as well. And though we, her parents, are still married I simply can’t imagine Kira not being a part of our lives. I regularly admonish my wife with phrases like “You know, she’s going to be gone soon” or “Its all part of the process of letting go”. Truth be told when I say those things to my wife, I’m really trying to prepare myself.
You should know (and probably do) that she gave you and your parenting skills a wonderful compliment when you said “She handled the whole situation like she was the adult and I was the child”.
Good on you, and congratulations for being such an understanding and loving parent.
Warm Regards,
Michael L. Kamrath
January 11th, 2013 6:28 am
The.Village
Thank you guys. This was definitely a hard decision to make, but every day I am reminded that I did make the right choice. Since she moved out (2 weeks ago), we have kept in touch with almost daily texts and phone conversations. Without prompting, she tells me she loves me at the end of every conversation – something that didn’t happen ever when we lived together. Now that we live far apart, we are both naturally appreciating these little things instead of taking each other for granted when we did live together. And I appreciate that her dad and I have been able to let go of our differences for the kids’ sake, and that she does have this chance to get to know her father and baby brother a lot better. It makes it easier to know that this, for now, is being treated as a trial situation. She’s living there until the end of the school year, and then deciding if she’s like to continue on there or move back here. Seeing how this hasn’t been the death of me, I can now see that no matter what her choice ends up being, it will all be ok.
January 11th, 2013 4:00 pm
Angie
I am currently going through the same thing with my 9 year old daughter. Her father lives in another state, she visits over summer breaks. I’ve had her on my own since she was 3. Recently she has brought up wanting to live with her dad… She brings up valid points, especially for her age. She is mostly curious, I think, about what it would be like to live there, be near her father and his family and get to know all of them more. Or could it be that she’s an only child there, with 2 new little sisters here that she competes for attention with. Her questions have been on my mind for months. I go back and forth. I should let her go, what if its best for her, what if she’s happier there. Then to no way, this is my little girl. But then I think her curiosity will never leave her and it will continue to be a question that she asks, for me to be the bad guy that says no, absolutely not. Then for her to resent me for keeping her from get dad and family. Do I let her try it?? Do I let her try for her curiosity? I would of course be thrilled if she were to try and come back home to me, but what happens if she wants to stay? The thought kills me….
January 14th, 2013 4:08 pm
The.Village
Has she ever spent time alone with her dad, without her sisters? It’s possible that she is wondering what that might be like, too. It’s never an easy decision as to what’s right or wrong in this situation, whether to let them go or to just say no. It’s also a huge decision that means she’ll be switching schools and leaving behind all her friends. And it also means that there will need to be amendments made to whatever your custody agreement is, child support, and all other legal issues that have to be changed. It’s definitely not a decision to be made lightly.
My advice to you, since she is still so young, is to say “no” for now while it’s still the school year. Then during the summertime, let her visit her father by herself for a couple of weeks, just to see what that feels like. And, of course, make sure her dad is on board with this decision making too (would he be okay if she moved in with him?). If she still wants to leave, and both of you feel this wouldn’t be a horrible idea, that’s when you can talk about whether this would be a viable situation or not. If you do let her go, it’s possible she might want to come back home. But you can’t send her off believing that, because she may also decide she likes living there better. My situation feels a little easier than yours does since my daughter only lives three hours away. That’s just a car ride away. Yours is going to take a lot more planning for visitation sake.
I wish you luck in whatever you decide!
January 14th, 2013 4:38 pm
Angie
She is the only child to her father at the moment. I have 2 other little girls, 2 and 3. This year she went to her dads for Christmas. She did talk to him about it because all she’s done since she’s been home is talk about going back… He had no objections to her coming. It’s all “new” there. It’s all about her while she’s there. I thought about letting her finish the school year out there, just so she can see it will be the same routine. Whenever she goes its like a vacation. So, I feel like if she sees that it won’t be a vacation. I wouldn’t even still be considering it if she weren’t in tears every other day about going. Since her dad said that it was okay if that’s what she wanted it gave her all new ideas about it. And I really don’t want her to be sad about where she is or isn’t, ultimately I want the best for her and if that’s where she wants to be, I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but I’d be happy if she were happy. Thanks for responding. I know many parents face these same issues, I just thought mine wouldn’t be for a few more years, lol.
January 14th, 2013 5:22 pm
The.Village
I feel your struggle of wanting her to stay, but also wishing she could get that dad’s house wouldn’t be such a vacation reality if she moved in there. It’s definitely not an easy decision, is it? I wish you well in whatever decision you decide.
January 15th, 2013 9:17 am
been there, done that
Your column intrigued me because when my parents divorced in the mid 1950′s, that was part of their decree; my brother and I could decide at age 14 where we wanted to live. My mom was the custodial parent, and we spend every other weekend plus a month in the summer with my dad. When my brother turned 14, he elected to move to my dad’s. It was not a pleasant scene. There was crying and screaming and accusations and resentments and ultimatums…..permanent damage to the relationship between my mom and my brother. I think she saw the defection as a “win” for my dad, and she could never say anything nice about him or let him win in any way. That is so hard on kids who love both parents. Though it sounds like you are trying to work thru this in a logical way, sticking in little barbs are who is the better parent and making references to messy divorce and hostilities, etc does not help the situation, especially since your “dirty laundry” get washed in the very public laundromat of the local newspaper.
I wrote for a paper about the size of the Press Democrat for a number of years, and have published many magazine articles. I know a bit more about writing and editing than your average responder here. Often when reading your column, I cringe a bit over certain details you have included and wonder “oh my, wonder what her kids think about this being in the paper?”
It’s more important to keep the love and respect of your daughter than it is to come off as the “good parent” in your column. Good luck on this next chapter. I think moving to my dad’s was the right decision for my brother. Staying at my mom’s was the right decision for me at the time.
January 15th, 2013 3:02 pm
The.Village
It’s no secret that my ex and I had a messy divorce. But what I didn’t mention here is that we got beyond it. We are now able to communicate with each other in much healthier ways, and put the kids first. It helps that we’ve been divorced for 9 years, so there are very little residual emotions from past hurts or wrongs on either side. I own my mistakes I made in our divorce, so does he. And that’s why I am able to now discuss these things in a matter of fact way (while leaving out a lot of details that aren’t for the public eye) to help other parents. And I would never claim to be the “better parent”, only that I have been the custodian parent for the past 9 years.
Also, every article that is written here is also read by my kids. I write with full knowledge of that, and would never include anything they wouldn’t want written about them. And there’s a reason I don’t disclose their real names in my column.
With that said, I can understand your mom’s reaction, even if it wasn’t exactly the right one. It’s hard to not view the kids as MINE instead of OURS. And it’s hard to not have feelings of rejection when a child chooses one parent over the other to live with. Of course, there are so many shades of gray in this decision, and sometimes it’s not the best idea for a child to move in with the other parent. But as long as your dad was a healthy parent, your brother had every right to decide to live with him at 14.
January 15th, 2013 3:24 pm
Angie
This morning, all of these questions still plagued me. As I made cupcakes for my daughters honor ceremony, still it was on my mind. This afternoon as I sat with my daughter, waiting for the principal to call her name for her straight A certificate, I suddenly felt my eyes well up with tears. I have molded my beautiful daughter to what she is today. It is not the 6 week summer visits that have gotten her where she is. As selfish as it sounds, it is my husband and I that have molded this curious, confident, at sometimes defiant tween. It was her fathers decision to leave and it is my decision as sole guardian to keep her. So as of right now and for a long while, I can say with confidence my daughter stays. : )
January 15th, 2013 5:23 pm
The.Village
I don’t blame you, Angie. Truth is, I’m not sure I could either when my daughter was 9. It feels easier now that she is older and more independent.
January 15th, 2013 7:33 pm
marie
This article was exactly what I was looking for and exactly what I am feeling as a mother. I am going through the exact same thing with my 14 year old daughter. I can’t imagine her not being with me on a daily basis but I have to remember whatever is best for her is best for me. I feel to the same as the writer. To be able to come and go as you please will be like the shoe on the other foot. I will be able to do the things that I had to put off even though her father was footloose and fancy free with none of the daily obligations. I am still mulling the decision over but it was great to get a perspective from someone who has been
May 17th, 2013 6:35 am