Does your baby have a fever? How about obvious teething pain, or a nasty cough? What if I told you it could all be easily relieved with just a couple of milliliters of candy-flavored liquid? Sounds too good to be true, right?
Here’s 28 easy-to-follow steps to soothe your baby with this sweet nectar of relief:
1. Get your sweet bundle of joy into a comfortable, not-at-all suspicious position.
2. Act normal.
3. Immediately nullify step 2 by smiling and cooing excessively, squealing in delight about how delicious your baby’s future is about to be.
4. Casually pin down their arms (or whole body, just to be on the safe side) with your non-dominant arm.
5. Continue over-the-top smiling and cooing in a register only dogs can hear to be sure your baby doesn’t become alarmed.
6. Slowly and carefully come at your baby’s face from the side with the dropper, just out of peripheral vision.
7. Make sure to continue exuberant cooing on the opposite side of your child’s face from where the dropper is going in, so their attention is diverted as far away as possible.
8. Think to yourself, “Oh! Well I just don’t know what everyone is always complaining about. This is a breeze!”
9. Touch the dropper to the corner of your child’s mouth.
10. Witness as your bouncing bundle of beautiful baby transforms into a miniature version of The Hulk.
11. Try to keep hold of the dropper as HULK SMASH in every direction.
12. Try to keep your face and upper body from permanent disfigurement as tiny Hulk limbs flail maniacally.
13. Try to keep baby from Hulking him/herself right off of the surface s/he’s on and Hulk-smashing into the floor.
14. Wonder why you didn’t put earplugs in before starting this adventure.
15. Wonder how a baby can get so red, so angry, and so loud without actually exploding.
16. Wonder how a baby can cry so much without getting dehydrated.
17. Attempt to console baby.
18. Half an hour later, once baby has finally calmed down, repeat steps 1 through 17.
19. Repeat steps 1-18.
20. Try sneaking the dropper into the corner of baby’s mouth as they are contentedly latched on to bottle or breast, only to have them detach, scream like a banshee, and spew medicine, milk, and spit all over your face and halfway across the room.
21. Tuck your baby like a football and lock their head into the vice-like grip of your incredible biceps for stability.
22. Try not to take it too personally when you realize your Hulk baby is way stronger than you and easily breaks out of the vice.
23. Try reasoning with your baby. “It’s just a freakin’ dropper of raspberry-flavored medicine, sweetie! How bad could it be?!” Logic: it works!
24. Try bribing your baby with not-at-all unrealistic material things, like a corvette on their 16th birthday or swimming pools full of candy.
25. Cry (both of you… bonding, right?).
26. Repeat steps 1 through 25.
27. Lay on top of your baby, shove as much medicine into their mouth as you can get in before The Hulk switches on, watch most of it dribble out of their mouth, and think to yourself “Good enough!”
28. Turn on Sesame Street, pour yourself a glass (or 5) of wine, and bask in the glow of sweet success.